To my husband
Gary Russell
1960 - 2001
US
If I had of guessed, would I have answered the phone?
A strong, desperate voice, “ Are you alone? Could we talk, have a drink, a walk in the rain, please will you listen, before I go insane.”
He needed a shoulder, a friend, that was nothing new,
Life’s disappointments, what should he do.
“We’ll go for a drink, I said, is that alright,”
“Don’t worry, I’ll listen, see you tonight.”
If I had known, would I have met him that night.
A meal and some wine, his company felt right.
“I’ve had enough, which way do I go,I need someone I can trust,” he said. The conversation flowed.
Our eyes made contact, he reached out his hand,
“Should we go for a drive, somewhere quieter,” he said."If you can.”
If I had of thought about it, would I have walked to the car.
Only a short distance, talking, laughing. It wasn’t far.
“Hey! Let me get that,” as he opened my door.
We stopped, facing each other,, glued to the floor,
I could feel his hand on my arm, his breath like fresh air.
His lips touched mine, gently, hardly staying there.
He pulled me closer, my body lost all senses,
His mouth covered mine, there was no consideration of consequences
If I had moved away, the magic would have stopped.
I should have walked away, been happy with my lot.
“I love you,” he said, “I always have. I shouldn’t I know. I’ll understand if you turn round, leave me and go.”
A warm summer night, the smell of his skin,
The touch of his hands, heaven is where I had been.
Laying with him in the aftermath of loving,
If I had of thought then, today I would have nothing.